


Timeless

by Layora88



Category: Captain America (Movies), Iron Man (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Anal Fingering, Anal Sex, Anxiety, Bottom Steve Rogers, Bucky Barnes Recovering, Caring Tony Stark, Coming Untouched, Creepy Movie, Depression, Drawing, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Emotional Sex, Fluff, Grief/Mourning, Hand Jobs, Healing Bucky, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Manhandling, Multiple Orgasms, Painting, Pet Names, Reunited and It Feels So Good, Smut, So much angst, Soft Bucky, Sort of song fic, Tony Is a Good Bro, Top Bucky Barnes, Vacation, Wall...stuff, cabin in the woods, poor steve, sam is a good bro, shower scene because why not, thunder storms, way more than I intended I swear
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-22
Updated: 2020-05-07
Packaged: 2020-07-11 14:17:19
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 20,447
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19929442
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Layora88/pseuds/Layora88
Summary: Steve takes some time away for himself with Tony Stark's help and his friends insistence. He spends some time alone to grieve the loss of his friends and reclaim himself. In finding himself, he also finds Bucky, only after he'd stopped looking, of course.Title from The Airborne Toxic Events song. <3 Great sad song that always brought Steve Rogers to mind for me. xoxo





	1. Chapter 1

Steve is tired. A bone deep tired that he’s finding harder and harder to shake with every passing morning. He doesn’t know how much longer he can go on like this either before the Team starts noticing. Starts asking questions.

Sam has already started asking questions and that’s…not good. Even Tony seemed to have picked up on _some_ of what Steve must be feeling simply by his quiet demeanour, a quick change from their usual banter and back and forth.

In the beginning they hadn’t gotten along well, but they’d grown closer, opened up to one another and then after the whole mess with SHIELD and the whole discovering Bucky was alive thing and…you know…Tony’s parents.

Things had been tough, but they were good now. Everything was good now. They were friends, they looked out for one another, both on and off of the field. Which would have been great…except Steve wasn’t quite willing to admit that he maybe sort of needed help… _yet_.

Though he was apparently coming to terms with it if the current conversation with Tony was anything to go by.

“You want to what now?” Tony blurted, squinting hard at the blond as they sat at the breakfast island together drinking their morning coffee, Steve’s having gone cold as he’d apparently been too distracted with working up the nerve to ask Tony for help.

Steve blew out a very slow breath, unable to look at his friend as he fiddled with the handle of his mug. “I think I’d like to go away for a while…m-maybe to a cabin in the woods. Just for some… _me_ time,” He said quietly, feeling ashamed for even asking and worse for having to repeat himself to _Tony,_ of all people.

“ _Steve_ -“ Tony said, very, very gently. “Can you look at me, please?”

Steve seemed to steel himself and then forced himself to look up at Tony and it looked as if it physically _pained_ him to do so. When fe finally made eye contact with the genius, Tony shook his head at his friend as if he were _disappointed._ Steve almost got up and left.

“A cabin in the woods, _really?_ Have you not been subjected to enough horror films to know that that’s a god-awful idea?” I mean, _honestly._ You’d think we’ve taught you nothing by subjecting you to the terribly industry that is cult filmography-“

“ _Tony-_ “ Steve groaned, hanging his head before burying his face in his hands.

Of fucking _course_ Tony was teasing him, making light of the situation. Steve couldn’t have been more grateful. Tony’s soft chuckle reached his ears and he peeked through the cover of his fingers to look at his friend. Tony was smiling at him softly, eyes filled with an understanding and Steve wasn’t sure he could hold his gaze for much longer.

He dropped his hands and took a shaky breath, gaze straying back to the mug in front of him. “Hey-“ Tony prompted gently, ducking his head in an attempt to get Steve to look at him.

The blond managed to glance up a little, but his eyes kept darting away her nervously.

“It’s okay to ask for things, Steve. You’re allowed to want to go away, even if it is to a cabin in the woods, you dork,” Tony huffed, teasing, but his tone was gentle, soft.

It made Steve’s heart ache and his hackles want to rise up at the same time, to puff his chest out and tell him he wasn’t _some invalid who needed to be coddled,_ but he squashed the urge to do so down and let his shoulders drop from where they’d been up around his ears. He found himself choking up, however, and couldn’t seem to say anything to Tony, to maybe _thank him_ for not judging him harshly for wanting to do something for himself for once.

All he could bring himself to do was nod stiltedly.

“Right then-“ Tony announced, having drained the rest of his coffee.

He stood up quickly, shoving his stool back against the tile and making a show of it as he unbuttoned his shirt sleeves, removing the cufflinks and pocketing them before rolling up his cuffs altogether. Steve’s brow was furrowing before he could think about stopping it as he watched Tony pick up his suit jacket from where it had been draped over the back of his chair.

“Let’s get a move on, we don’t have all day,” He stated airily, heading for the elevator. “Well, technically we do, but you know, trying to make a grand exit and all that jazz-“

Steve stood up as if on autopilot, following Tony curiously out of the kitchen. “What are you on about?”

Tony huffed, turning on his heel and walking backwards towards the elevator. “We’re going up to your apartment to pack a bag and then we’re getting out of here,” He announced, before spinning back around and stepping into the already waiting elevator.

“ _Tony-_ “ Steve said in exasperation. “We can’t just _leave_ and besides! I wanted to go away by myself, _alone-_ “

Tony rolled his eyes. “You really need to get with the program, Steve-“

Steve squinted at his friend in disbelief as the elevator started its ascent. “Well, maybe if you _told_ me what this _program_ was, I could maybe get with it-“ He muttered, arms folding closed across his chest in his obvious irritation.

Tony positively _beamed_ at him and Steve’s gaze turned wary. “ _Why_ , I’m ever so glad you asked, Steven!” Tony announced happily, tone far too light and innocent for Steve’s liking.

“You’re going to pack a bag, then we’re getting on a plane and then we’re going to fly you to that cabin in the woods you seem to be so fond of,” Tony announced, the elevator dinging as it came to a stop at Steve’s floor. “Even if I think it’s a ridiculous idea and you’d better stay out of the basement, I’m telling you, Steve-all the creepy shit happens in the basement-“ He warned.

Steve stayed rooted to his spot in the elevator as Tony breezed past him and into his living room. When Tony continued to ramble on and walk away from him only to realize a minute or two later that Steve wasn’t following him, did he turn around and come back to find Steve exactly where he’d left them.

“What’s the hold up, Spangles?”

Steve blinked in confusion. “I-I can’t just _leave,_ Tony. It’s not that simple-“

“Sure it is!” Tony exclaimed, gesturing widely with his hands for no particular reason.

Steve squinted at him and was then forced to exit the elevator when the doors started to close, Jarvis trying to push him along. “But what about the Team-?“ He attempted to reason.

“We’ll be just fine without you for a couple of weeks or months or however long you decide you want to go away for,” Tony assured him, reaching out and laying a reassuring hand against the blond’s shoulder.

Steve swallowed hard, looking into his friends earnest face as the genius simply smiled at him, eyes slightly crinkled in that endearing way of his and Steve just…

He took off, heading towards his bedroom as if he were a man on a mission.

Tony’s brows furrowed in confusion and he rushed after Steve, wondering what he’d said that had upset him enough to start practically _running_ through his apartment. When he caught up to him in his bedroom, however, Tony realized he’d been mistaken. Steve wasn’t upset, he was _impatient_.

Tony watched in surprise as Steve dropped onto his knees beside his bed and pulled out a partially open go-bag, the thing sparsely loaded, but he did catch sight of one of his suits peeking out from the zipper. The blond shoved a few things from his nightstand and then his bookshelf and chest of drawers inside and with one last pass around the room and into the bathroom, he seemed to have all he needed.

Once they both stood in the living room, Steve scooping up a small book from the coffee table and then shoving his feet in a pair of shoes, Tony watching avidly from his spot by the elevator door, did Steve finally stop and take one more look around the place before grabbing his shield that had been hanging on the wall next to the elevator. His gaze was quickly turning on Tony, the genius startling a bit as he realized Steve was apparently ready.

“Alright then-“ Tony said easily, trying not to show his surprise that his friend was really so quick as to have half a bag packed… _in case of emergencies,_ Tony’s brain insisted. “Off we go.”

Steve didn’t say anything more, merely nodded, readjusting his grip on the shield and followed his friend into the elevator. He wondered if he could sleep on the plane…

Glancing to his side where Tony seemed to be tapping quickly about on his phone, he wasn’t sure he would be granted that sort of peace and quiet with the genius’ manic energy strapped into the seat next to him. He let out a little huff of a breath at the thought and Tony’s gaze slipped to him.

“Was just ordering you groceries-“ Tony admitted and then squinted at the screen as Jarvis pulled up some suggestions containing art supplies and a few other niceties…and then selected _all_ of them.

“That’s-“ Steve stared quietly and then cleared his throat as the elevator arrived at the garage. “Thank you-“ He breathed. “Thanks, Tony.”

Tony had just stepped out of the elevator when he’d heard those soft words at his back. He smiled to himself, shrugging one shoulder and trying to play it off. “Don’t worry about it, Steve. C’mon, wheels up in 40 and driving in rush hour is going to be a bitch.”

Steve huffed a soft laugh, not doubting for a second that they’d make it. Somehow Steve was sure they weren’t flying via commercial jet.


	2. Chapter 2

Steve’s...not really sure where he is exactly. Tony had told him to get on the plane and so he had and now he’s...well, he’s still not really sure where he is. But, it is pretty here and it’s...really fucking quiet.

Or, it would be if Tony wasn’t still talking. He’s giving Steve a tour of a cabin that apparently he owns and is listing off the liberties he’s taken with the place. Apparently Jarvis is here, there’s internet too and a computer if he needs it, tablets too, a television and video games and Steve just-

“Thanks, but I don’t want any distractions so you can shut it all down and maybe ask Jarvis to contact me only in regards to absolute emergencies. Here’s my phone, while we’re at it,” Steve informed him, pulling his phone out of his pocket and offering it to the genius.

Tony couldn’t help noticing that it was off. “Uh…I’m not taking your phone, Steve.”

Steve frowned, gesturing with the phone now. “But I don’t want-“

“You’re staying at a cabin in the woods, Steve. I’m not leaving you without your phone,” Tony stated and Steve rolled his eyes in frustration, tossing his phone down onto the nearest couch.

“Okay, fine. I’ll keep it on me _for emergencies_ ,” Steve agreed, only huffing a little.

Now it was Tony who rolled his eyes. “Uh huh, you just let Jarvis know what the deal is and he’ll keep to himself. There are security cameras around the place and he’ll alert you if anything’s up via the monitors in the den- _here-_ “ Tony gestured towards the side of the kitchen, technically the back of the living room.

It was a more intimate spot, almost enclosed near the back doors in a sort of half open room off the living room and open concept kitchen. There were bookshelves lined with books and a cozy chaise lounge, a reading chair and three sleek monitors set up off to the side above an ornate mahogany desk fitted with a leather rolling chair.

It was a classy space, neat and clean and set up in a way that Steve wouldn’t have imagined would appeal to Tony, all dark woods, soft beiges, blues and creams. He really should have seen it coming.

“It’s a bungalow style, though there is a basement and I warned you about that, so you can call me any time and tell me I told you so. You’ve got your bedroom down the hall, two spare rooms, a master bath and a separate guest bathroom. There’s a gym in the basement with a small shower and bathroom downstairs too and there’s access to the lake out back from downstairs and up here. There’s a bike in the garage, should you need it and a Jeep if you want to go off-roading. I’ve been told that there’s some incredible trails in the area too. Town’s about thirty minutes out, so just keep that in mind. Groceries are delivered via drone, so just talk to Jarvis and yeah, should about sum it up,” Tony finished speaking and turned around to find Steve watching him very closely.

Steve is standing there in the kitchen, brow furrowed as he lets all of this slowly filter in. His brain is fixating on a few things, primarily; the gym and…all of it really. “You hate working out, why do you have a gym in your cabin?” Steve queried gently.

Tony blinked, really looking at his friend now. “Because this isn’t my cabin, Steve. It’s yours.”

Steve faltered, hand moving out to steady himself against the back of the couch they were standing in front of. Tony’s gaze grew concerned when Steve seemed to struggle to formulate any sort of response and the genius took a step forward in case his friend needed something.

“Are you alright?” Tony asked curiously.

Steve shook his head, absolutely dumbfounded. “I- _Tony-_ “ He breathed, disbelief colouring his tone. “How did you-? I can’t possibly accept this-“

Tony instantly straightened up and waved a hand firmly in front of him, forcing Steve to snap his jaw shut harder than he intended. “There’s nothing to accept. This is your getaway. It was built for you and that’s that. I happened to notice your odd fixation with checking the cabin listings in that stupid _Country Living_ magazine you love so much and that’s all. I don’t want to hear about how you can’t accept it again, are we clear?”

Steve blinked, baffled by the sudden turn. He really shouldn’t have expected anything less than this from Tony Stark. Still, it did throw him for a bit of a loop. He shook his head, still in more than a little shock over the whole thing. But well, that was Tony stark for you.

Steve took a deep breath and then slowly let it out. Tony still looked as if he were bracing for an argument that he was convinced he would win and Steve just…Steve was _tired._

“Crystal,” Steve said gently, gaze softening, his stiff posture shifting, relaxing.

Tony nodded sharply, seeing the change in Steve’s demeanour and relaxing a bit himself. “Good, so, I’ll just let you get settled. There should be a couple of drones with your groceries arriving in fifteen or so and Jarvis will alert you when they get here. I’m going to skedaddle, let you get your vacation started-“

“Stay for dinner-“ Steve blurted and he meant it, he did.

He wanted to thank Tony in any way he could. Maybe a nice dinner, a couple of drinks, a movie or something just to relax would be something Tony would appreciate. Tony would have, Steve knew, but it wasn’t going to happen.

“Nah, I’m going to get back to the compound. You don’t really want to make me dinner anyway. You look tired, Steve. You _are_ tired. So go get settled in, get some rest, eat something and then do whatever the fuck you want for however long you want, alright?”

Steve smiled, fondness creeping into his expression. “Yeah, that-okay, Tony,” He agreed, glancing around the space.

It was really cozy looking, all the soft colours, the blankets thrown over almost every chair or available surface of the place. “This is…it’s really great, Tony. Thank you.”

Tony shrugged, fighting a small smile as he went towards the front door. “Don’t mention it, but hey, keep me in the loop, okay? I’m just a phone call away. You need anything, don’t be afraid to reach out.”

Steve swallowed hard, nodding shortly as he walked back to the front door with his friend. “If I need anything, you’ll be the first to know,” He agreed quietly.

Tony nodded, standing in the doorway now, gaze intently focused on his friend. “Take this time for yourself, Steve. You know you deserve it and you…you know that they would tell you the same thing. You need time, Steve. But you should know that we are all here for you, no matter what,” He assured. “I know we’ve had our differences, but I also know that we have a strong friendship and your Team? They’ve got your back as much as I do.”

Steve nodded shortly, his eyes had started to burn with unshed tears that sprang up faster than he was prepared for and he really wasn’t ready to open up to Tony like this. Not yet, anyway. Maybe never.

“T-thanks, Tony. I-I won’t forget that- _this-_ “ He admitted, and Tony didn’t fail to notice that his voice had grown hoarse.

“Like I said, don’t mention it,” Tony murmured, taking a step away and then seemingly second guessed himself and came back in, stepping right into Steve’s space to give him a hug.

Steve hadn’t been ready for it, but it didn’t stop him from getting with the program and hugging the genius right back. He hoped he managed to convey just how grateful he was for not only the place to-the cabin, but just how grateful he was for Tony’s support and friendship.

He was sure Tony understood and then some when the genius pulled back and hastily pulled a pair of sunglasses from his breast pocket and slipped them on, stepping out of his embrace as he headed back out the door.

“Keep in touch, yeah?” Tony called over his shoulder and Steve smiled fondly, leaning against the doorframe and watching as Tony headed back out to the car they’d driven over together in from the airport.

“I will,” Steve promised, watching as his friend slipped into car on the driver’s side.

Steve didn’t go back inside until the sound of Tony’s car had long since faded and only the sound of the forest, the wildlife, the lapping of the water along the shoreline and soon, the buzzing of the drones arriving with his groceries, reached his ears.

.

The sun is just starting to disappear over the horizon and Steve…he didn’t get a chance to watch it as he’d fallen asleep shortly after he’d made himself some dinner. He didn’t even get much of an opportunity to look around the place yet. He’d put away the groceries, made himself a cup of tea and some soup for dinner and then just…fallen asleep on the couch.

He wasn’t surprised when he woke up early the next morning, his internal clock kicking him into gear. He wasn’t confused exactly about where he was, but he did feel a little disoriented at having woken up on the couch. He blinked himself awake and took a deeper couple of breaths to try and orient himself, relaxing when Jarvis kindly raised the lights in the same fashion he always did for Steve at home.

He sat up, swinging his legs over the side of the couch and mentally thanking Tony for picking out a couch that was clearly big enough for his frame. “Thanks, Jarvis,” He murmured absently, the A.I. not making any attempt to convey he’d heard.

Steve paused on his way to the kitchen, gaze sweeping around himself and taking in the cabin with the early morning light as Jarvis started raising some of the blinds on the windows. “I don’t mind if you talk to me, Jarvis. Just try not to startle me, if you could? I wasn’t lying when I said I didn’t want any distractions, but I’d feel bad if I said you couldn’t talk to me when you thought I might need it.”

There was a discernible pause and then, “I will be conscious to keep my voice down when I do reach out to you, Captain Rogers and I will do my best not to be a distraction for you. But do not feel the need to reassure me, I am here merely to make sure you are well. There are no cameras inside the residence that allow me to see you, however, I do have other means of identifying potential health concerns and the usual protocols to follow in any such event as you might require medical assistance, as per Sir’s orders.”

Steve huffed lightly, opening up the fridge, he pulled out eggs, milk and butter. “Understandable, just let me know if there are any Avenger related emergencies and seeing as my phone is currently off, let me know if I have any important phone calls or messages, if you would.”

“As you wish…you currently have two messages from an unknown number and one from Mr. Barton. Would you like me to read them to you?” Jarvis offered.

Steve huffed. “Ignore Clint’s, but you can reply to the unknown. I imagine it’s Nat, so just let her know I’m good, taking her advice and all that,” Steve chuckled, setting his items down beside the stove and pulling out a loaf of bread from the bread box.

“Of course, Sir…it would appear that she is relieved to know you are listening-and I quote, ‘ _for once in your life, Rogers and I’ll make sure Clint doesn’t spam your phone, seeing as it’s off for the next however long’_ end quote.”

Steve chuckled, rubbing at his eyes a little to get rid of some of the sleep. “Thanks, Nat. I’ll check in in a couple of days.”

“I will let her know,” Jarvis murmured and then it was quiet once again.

Steve didn’t mind the quiet, didn’t mind it because it wasn’t the stifling sort of quiet that felt suffocating in a way. There was the simple hum of electronics, the fridge, the air conditioning and so on, but there was also the sound of the outdoors filtering in.

He decided it wasn’t going to get too hot to shut off the air conditioning and instead turned on the circulation fan and opened up some windows as he wandered around his new place for the foreseeable future. He checked out the bedroom first, dropping off his bag and then making his way farther down the hall to peek into the guest bedroom, quickly discovering that the other guest bedroom wasn’t a bedroom at all.

It looked like it was intended to be an office…but appeared to be outfitted in more of an artists studio sort of vibe. He huffed lightly at the thought, recalling all the art supplies that had shown up with the groceries.

After that, he made his way downstairs into the basement and shook off the only slightly uncomfortable thoughts of what Tony had been on about in regards to _creepy basements_ and took a look around. There was a bathroom that included a shower, a sink and a toilette and the gym room itself was rather large and equipped with a weight station, cardio station, a large sparring mat to practice footwork and even a punching bag setup…with at least a dozen in a shed somewhere on the property according to a note pinned to the one that was currently strung up. Steve couldn’t help chuckling softly to himself as he headed back up the stairs to head outside to take a peek at the property.

The sun was already up now, bathing the wrap around deck in warm golds and yellows and Steve allowed himself a moment to bask in the warmth of the sunshine as he took in the sight of the few deck lounges and chairs and down the dozen steps, he soon found himself walking along a path through the back yard where a fire pit was set, lined with large stones and then further along to where there was a small floating dock on the water.

He inhaled slowly and stepped up onto it, walking the ten or so steps to the end and looked out across at the lake, taking in the stillness of the water, the sunshine bouncing off the rippling surface. It was still quiet, no cars, no boats, no heavy machinery or anything out of the ordinary. Just…peace and quiet, the sounds of nature and wildlife around him. It was soothing and he knew-he knew they would have-

Steve ducked his head, looking down into the water, catching his reflection there. He stilled, frozen on the spot for a long moment before he turned and headed back inside. He needed a shower, he needed to change and maybe find his sketchbook or grab a book to read. He’d…think about…whatever he needed to think about later. Just…not yet.


	3. Chapter 3

Steve managed a shower and lunch and even went so far as to _contemplate_ working out, but decided to dismiss the idea and instead sit out on the back deck just…doing nothing. He tried not to feel guilty about it, and Tony had said he’d deserved this and he’d do his best not to think too hard about that. He just…wanted to relax, bask in the peace and quiet the cabin provided him.

He inhaled slowly as he let his gaze stray out over the lake spread out before him. It really was gorgeous out here, not that he didn’t enjoy being amongst the hustle and bustle of the city. Even the buildings there held their own sort of beauty, but nothing was quite like being out in nature like this…even if he felt a bit spoiled with the cabin’s less than rustic amenities.

He huffed lightly at the thought, letting his gaze stray out into the forest to his left, listening to the gentle rustling of the leaves in the warm summer breeze. He let his eyes drift shut, tipping his head back against the day bed he’d been lounging against, letting the heat of the afternoon sun warm his cheeks and thankful he didn’t have to worry so much anymore about getting a sunburn.

His lips tugged up in a gentle smile. With his fair complexion, he used to burn so easily, even now he knew he’d turn a little pink but with the speed of which the serum repaired the burn, he barely felt anything at all. Bucky rarely burned, his skin always seemed to be perpetually golden, _bronzed_ and Steve had not exactly envied it so much as he’d _adored-_

Steve got up too fast, feeling lightheaded from the slight head rush it gave him as he ducked back inside. He ignored the way his chest seemed to grow tight and instead went to the kitchen to make something for lunch. He also ignored the way his eyes prickled and his hands shook as he spread mustard over the bread as he readied his sandwich.

He spent the rest of the afternoon inside sitting in the living room sketching the view from earlier today. He couldn’t bring himself to go and sit in the sunshine again, he’d try again tomorrow. That evening, after Jarvis had dimmed the lights for him and he’d made himself some chicken to accompany his greek salad, he settled in to eat his dinner in the quiet of the cabin.

He’d barely made it a few bites in when the silence seemed to be a little too much. He cleared his throat lightly. “J-Jarvis? Could you put on some quiet music? Just…instrumental, nothing too-“ He coughed slightly. “You know.”

“Of course, Sir,” Jarvis murmured and not long after, Steve was surrounded by soft violin, his favourite.

He breathed in deeply, letting the first few notes wash over him, soothe him. He closed his eyes and the next time he opened them, he focused on eating his dinner. He ignored the fact that he couldn’t really taste it anymore. Maybe, if he ignored everything long enough, he could pretend that he was fine, that everything was fine and that he wasn’t struggling to hold himself together, he wasn’t struggling to take a breath or keep his hands steady as he raised his glass of water to his lips-

He choked on the first sip and quickly set it down to try and force the water down, force his lungs open to try and take in a breath. It felt as if it were choking him and he pushed abruptly away from the table and headed for the bedroom, waving his hand when Jarvis paused the music for him and Steve knew he was about to ask him-

“I’m fine-“ He said harshly, ducking into his bedroom and closing the door behind him.

He was relieved when Jarvis said nothing.

Safely inside of his room, he couldn’t fight it any more. He shut his eyes against the sudden rush of tears and felt the burning of his cheeks, the shame and disappointment. He should be stronger than this, he _was_ stronger than this. At least, he thought he was.

He shook his head angrily and felt the first few tears escape, dampening his cheeks and he hastily wiped them away. He paced for a moment, attempting to calm his breathing, but then his eyes caught on one of the books he’d brought along with him, the corner peeking out from the bag he’d left open at the foot of the bed.

His face crumbled and he reached out blindly for the bag, pulling out the small book, no bigger than the palm of his hand. He cradled it carefully against his chest and just…gave in.

He laid down on top of the covers and curled up protectively around the notebook and started to weep.

He wept for everyone he’d lost, the lives he’d not been a part of and wished, wished so much that they’d had more time. That he had had more time to spend with them, _lived_ a life with them. He shook with the force of his sobs, unable to keep quiet any longer, caught up in the throes of his grief.

He’d not allowed himself this in the few years since waking up. He’d known it would hit him, known it would happen all at once and it would be devastating when he could no longer keep all his emotions bottled up. When-when he’d lost Peggy…he thought, he really thought he was going to just shut down. But it wasn’t until Bucky, finding out that the man was alive was what really ruined him. Because they were it. They were all that was left. No one could share in his grief except Bucky and he didn’t even _remember._

He’d done what he needed to do to help, to _try_ and help. But Bucky had made it clear that he didn’t need it, didn’t want it and didn’t know Steve…even if Steve knew that was a lie. Deep down, he knew Bucky was purposely pushing him away. Bucky had been the one who pulled him from that river, not the Winter Soldier and it absolutely _killed_ Steve that he kept coming up short in his attempt to find his friend.

He’d been on the road with Sam for what felt like forever he wasn’t even sure how long it had been exactly, too wrapped up in his own head, not sleeping or eating much, except for whatever Sam managed to shove at him. They’d been looking for Bucky, like they’d been doing since Steve was out of hospital after the helicarrier incident and two weeks ago, they’d hit yet another dead end.

Bucky had left a note at the last place they’d tracked him to. The apartment Bucky had abandoned was neat, clean, _tidy_ , everything Steve remembered Bucky _wasn’t_. It had bothered Steve, made him think that maybe Bucky wasn’t lying after all, that he only remembered Steve in a small way. _Insignificant,_ Steve’s brain had offered. Then he’d read the note.

_Go home, Steve. Stop chasing the man you think I am. I’m not him, I’m something different, something I don’t want you to know. Go home Steve and rest. Grieve for the friends and family you’ve lost and make a new life for yourself without the weight of your past holding you back._

Steve had pocketed the note, keeping it hidden from Sam and then just, turned around and told him they should head home, take some time to rethink their strategy. Sam hadn’t said a whole lot to that, having clearly picked up on the sudden shift in not only his demeanour, but his sheer _presence_. Steve had looked defeated.

It wasn’t a good look on him and Sam really never wanted to see it on his face ever again.

Sam hadn’t argued with him then, merely shown his support and they’d taken the quinjet back to base with barely a word shared between them. Steve knew that if Bucky didn’t want to be found, he wouldn’t be and Sam was inclined to believe the same thing.

Sam also knew that while Steve had been too preoccupied with the note Bucky had left behind and doing a shit job of keeping it hidden, he’d done his own little venture in stealth and left a message of his own. Steve didn’t need to know about it, not unless it worked and really, Sam wasn’t about to give the guy hope for something he really wasn’t sure would work. But he needed to try, for Steve’s sake.

They’d gone home and Steve had continued on as if nothing had changed…except he wasn’t planning his next mission, wasn’t planning his next anything. Steve was barely functioning if what Natasha and Tony were telling him was true. Sam believed them.

He’d not been able to stick around long, too busy back at the VA and he’d done his best to call and talk to Steve when he could, he even made a few suggestions to Nat and Tony to try and get Steve to open up, but they’d both quickly rejected the idea and instead decided to go their own route and wait it out.

It’d worked, obviously. Steve hadn’t been sleeping or eating a whole lot and they could clearly see it taking its toll on the super soldier. He was tired, _all of the time_. He didn’t get irritable though, just quiet and now here he was sobbing brokenly into a pillow, voice hoarse, throat raw, cheeks red and streaked with his tears, the pillow damp with it.

He hadn’t cried like this since he’d lost his mother and losing her had been what he thought was the hardest day of his life. It had been, only now it felt as if it had only gotten worse since that day. He’d lost his mother, then lost his best friend…he’d lost the Howlies, and then Peggy and then he’d thought he’d found Bucky. It’d-Steve squeezed his eyes shut tight, choking down the sobs that were still clawing their way up his throat.

When he thought he’d found his friend, he thought he’d found himself, could be himself and just _let go_. It was a fleeting thought, seeing as Bucky was trying to kill him at the time, but it was a thought and it had given him hope for that split second. He had wanted to feel that again.

He couldn’t remember the last time he’d felt hope for himself.

But then they’d fallen and the next thing he’d known he’d woken up in a hospital bed after having been found at the side of the river. Sam had told him Bucky had pulled him out of the water and Steve had grasped onto that hope, _latched_ onto it and refused to stop clawing his way towards it. Bucky had to have remembered him, remembered _something._

He shook his head, burying his sobs in the bedding as he let his thoughts drift from Bucky to his mother, to Peggy, the Howlies and back again. It wouldn’t get better with time, he didn’t believe that was possible. There was no one to share in his grief, no one to help guide him through it, no one who understood what he’d gone through…no one except Bucky and he longed to talk to his friend, _confess-_

He whimpered and choked back a soft defeated cry, clutching his notebook closer to his heart. It physically pained him, his heart. His heart physically _ached_ , felt like it was burning and ready to break into a thousand tiny pieces and Steve had no hope, no hope of ever piecing it back together again on his own. He longed for Bucky, longed to speak to him, even if it were once last chance, to tell him…

_How the weight of their loss is like the weight of the sun._

_I see their faces near me,_

_I hear their voices calling,_

_It's like their lives were over before they begun._

Steve fell asleep hours later, alone in the darkness, dried tears on his cheeks and wished that he didn’t see their faces in his dreams, wished that their lives had been endless like his own seemingly felt. He wished that he could tell them all one last time that he’d loved them, missed all of them immensely so and make…make a promise to see them again, one day.

.

Sam hadn’t known about Steve’s impromptu getaway and that he was currently alone in a cabin in the woods no less, until three days after Steve had left; and Steve hadn’t even been the one to tell him _himself._

_Nope._

Sam is currently cursing at the top of his lungs as he storms his way through the compound on route to Tony’s private workshop. In hindsight, he probably should have at least knocked or asked Jarvis to call Tony ahead and make sure the genius was free. Not that that would have stopped him from getting in, in the first place, really.

Jarvis had apparently gone ahead anyway and alerted Tony to the fact that Sam was on his way, however, because when Sam finally stormed his way into the workshop, he found Tony sitting _attempting_ to look casual at the edge of his desk, arms folded in front of his chest as he smiled wryly at Sam.

“To what do I owe the pleasure?” Tony announced and Sam scowled at him.

“You let Steve go away _alone_ to a cabin in the woods, Tony? Are you _insane?_ ” Sam snapped angrily.

Tony grimaced slightly, unfolding his arms. “To be fair, technically he isn’t alone, alone. Jarvis is keeping an eye on him and I’ve had a check-in once already through Nat, so-“

“I know-“ Sam muttered darkly and Tony frowned. “Nat was the one to tell me he’d finally gone and taken some time for himself- _this morning_ -and no one thought to tell me sooner?”

“It’s only been four days, Sam-“ Tony started.

“And he should be getting checked in on, on an hourly basis, Tony! He could be suicidal-“

“He’s not-“ Tony quickly assured. “Jarvis is monitoring him, he hasn’t shown any signs-“

“He’s _grieving,_ Tony. He needs someone to be there with him. He shouldn’t be alone in this-“

“He won’t be,” Came a soft voice and Sam whipped around to come face to face with James Buchanan Barnes.

All of the breath left Sam in a rush and he shook his head in disbelief, absolutely stunned that the man whom they had been chasing for _months_ was just suddenly _right there._ All of the fight left Sam in an instant and he shook his head, shoulders dropping in defeat. “Steve is going to be so relieved to see you, man,” Is the first thing he managed to say.

Bucky merely glanced away at that and gave a short nod. “I’m sorry for leading you both around in circles.”

Sam sighed deeply, casting a glance towards Tony who was looking more and more sheepish by the second. “How long have you been keeping him under your roof, Stark?” Sam sighed, resigned to the conversation they were about to have, apparently.

Tony winced, glancing over at Bucky who merely nodded, encouraging Tony to speak. “He’s been here for two months-“

“ _Jesus-_ “ Sam muttered, sitting down heavily on the nearest workbench.

“I’m sorry for keeping it a secret, Sam. I really am, but Tony has been helping me and I asked him not to give me up yet. I needed time,” Bucky confessed gently, taking a careful step towards the pair.

Sam eyed him warily, noting the clothes Bucky was wearing, taking in the grey sweatpants, the black tank top and the light sheen of sweat across his brow. His hair looked damp, probably from a recent shower and was tied back in a bun at the base of his skull. _Christ_ , but he was even _barefoot-_

“Are you living in the _workshop?_ ” He asked dubiously.

Bucky grimaced, looking to Tony who huffed softly. “I needed him to be in a safe place, the safest place I have is literally the rooms attached to the workshop. There’s a kitchen and a bed and everything-“

“But Steve is literally down here every goddamn day!” Sam shouted incredulously. “He brings you breakfast, lunch and dinner, for crying out loud, how has he not-“

“I stayed hidden,” Is all Bucky offered; quiet, meek.

“But you _suck_ at keeping secrets, Tony. How the hell did you-“ Sam groaned.

“Believe me, Wilson. This was not easy for me either. Bucky has been recovering and I’ve been helping him however I could and-“ Tony tried.

“I can see that. You look miles apart from your Winter Soldier persona, buddy,” Sam confessed, shaking his head as he gestured vaguely towards Bucky’s appearance.

Bucky seemed to curl in on himself at that though and his right hand came up to cup his left elbow, Sam’s eyes instantly being drawn to the gleam of metal as Bucky attempted to turn sideways to hide his arm as best he could. “He’s been healing, Sam,” Tony murmured gently. “And I’m sorry for keeping this from you and Steve. Hell, no one but the three of us and Jarvis knows he’s here.”

Sam huffed, reaching up to pinch the bridge of his nose. “So, what now then?”

“You were right, Steve shouldn’t be alone right now…so I’m going to go see him,” Bucky confessed softly.

Sam looked up at this, gaze zeroing in on the brunet. “Are you just going to walk in there, _honey, I’m home,_ and hope for the best?”

Bucky grimaced slightly and shrugged, the plates in his shoulder whirring with the motion. “Not really my style, but I…I want to see him,” He confessed quietly. “If he wants to shout at me for that stupid note, for what I’ve put him through, I’ll let him. I deserve his anger-“

“No, you don’t-“ Sam said immediately. “You’ve been through enough.”

Bucky huffed softly, shaking his head. “Maybe, but Steve needs to let go of a past that neither of us could have changed and he isn’t going to be able to do that without some anger and sadness first.”

Sam glanced to Tony who was fiddling nervously with a screwdriver. “He’s going to be pissed when he finds out you’ve been housing his friend for months, Tony.”

Tony winced, tilting his head to the side as if in thought. “I’m hoping he’ll forgive me since I sort of built him the stupid cabin and you know, helped his friend a bit.”

Sam and Bucky both let out a little huff at that. “Speaking of that cabin. What the hell, Stark? Is it in the middle of butt-fuck nowhere or something? I was trying to call Steve all morning and nothing’s going through, rings once and goes to voicemail.”

“Ah, that’s not bad signal, no. The idiots’ phone is off,” Tony sighed, and it was all long suffering.

“Of course it is,” Both Sam and Bucky muttered, casting a curious look to one another after they’d spoken.

Tony huffed a soft laugh at that, shaking his head. “Yeah, believe me, I know. Idiot wants to get away to a cabin in the woods, no less and then proceeds to shut his phone off before he even got there.”

“Has he not watched enough horror movies to know that is an insanely bad idea?” Sam queried seriously.

“That’s what I said!” Tony exclaimed, gesturing wildly with the screwdriver and they both shouldn’t have been surprised when Bucky merely squinted at them in confusion.

“Well, is there any way to contact him? I’d like to at least check in with him myself before-“ Sam started, glancing towards Bucky.

Bucky made a sort of curious sound and looked to Tony. “Uh, yeah, Jarvis can patch you through, but I don’t think Bucky wants-“

“Please don’t tell him I’m here, Sam,” Bucky whispered. “I’m going to him, I promise. I just, I want to do it on my own terms. He still needs this time for himself, but I promise I’m going to go to him soon.”

Sam nodded slowly. “Alright, I won’t tell him you’re here…but I want to call him and have you listen in. You know him better than any of us and I need to make sure he’s safe.”

Bucky seemed to falter a little at this. “I knew him, Sam. It’s not the same-“

“Don’t give me that bullshit-“ Sam interrupted, scowling at the brunet. “You still know him, you can’t fool me and the second you lay eyes on him, he’s not going to be fooled either.”

Bucky glanced away guiltily at that and Tony made a soft sound in the back of his throat. “I think it would be good if we listened in together,” Tony offered. “Sam can just say that he stopped by the compound when he couldn’t reach Steve and that we decided to call him together, okay?”

Bucky nodded, looking to Sam to see if he agreed. “Yeah, that’s fine.”

Tony nodded. “Okay great, Jarvis, could you give us a line to Steve, please? Just let him know it’s not an emergency but that Sam’s on the line is all.”

“Of course, Sir,” Jarvis replied and they both waited a beat until Steve’s voice was ringing out around them.

“ _Hey-_ “ Steve breathed. “Sam, I’m so sorry I didn’t call.”

Bucky sat down heavily at the first breath Steve managed on the line and he’d barely managed to avoid ending up on the floor instead of the seat of a chair at his friend’s tiredly soft voice. Sam shot him a concerned look but the relief on Sam’s face at having finally heard Steve’s voice too made Bucky wave him on.

“Hey, Steve. Yeah dude, what the hell? I’m here with Tony, by the way. I tried calling you last night and again this morning and when I couldn’t reach you, I thought I’d just come by.”

“I’m sorry if I worried you,” Steve went on. “Tony set me up with this great cabin-“

“ _In the woods_ , I know. Are you _insane?_ ” Sam laughed. “Have you not seen the movie, _Cabin in the Woods?_ ”

Steve chuckled bashfully on the other end and Bucky found himself closing his eyes against the wave of longing that welled up within him, his heart practically _aching_ with the need to see Steve laugh for real. “No, no, can’t say I have. Is it good?”

“It’s a _terrible_ movie, Steve. Don’t watch it!” Sam laughed and they could practically hear Steve’s smile when he next spoke.

“Alright, alright. But seriously, Sam. I’m sorry-“

“Don’t worry about it, okay? I’m just glad you’re taking some time for yourself, you know you deserve it,” Sam murmured.

There was silence on the other end for a long moment and Sam shifted where he stood, casting a glance towards Tony who was looking a touch concerned now. “Steve?” Sam prompted gently.

“Yeah, I-I’m here,” He whispered back. “Th-thanks again, Sam. I’m just-it’s a lot, you know?”

Sam frowned gently and Bucky watched as Sam’s fingers seemed to twitch as if he wanted to reach out and somehow comfort Steve. To be fair, Bucky was fighting with the same urge.

“I can’t begin to understand how you must feel, Steve. But we’re all here for you, so don’t be afraid to reach out. I’m glad you’re taking the time to yourself, we all are. You need it and the world will still be standing in a week if you aren’t back at the compound, so please take all the time you need,” Sam insisted.

There was a heavy-albeit shaky-exhale on the other end that had Bucky’s stomach twisting up in knots. “Y-yeah, I-“ Steve stared, but faltered, his voice having grown hoarse.

“Make sure you’re eating, Steve. Go for a swim or something, I heard you’re right on the lake, must be beautiful out there,” Sam deferred.

Steve hummed, still unable to talk for a beat or two and then, “It is beautiful out here, yeah.”

It was barely more than a whisper, but they all heard it. “I bet,” Sam agreed, sighing softly. “Well, I’d better let you get back to it. I’m going to see if I can convince Stark to feed me before sending me on my way, but you take care of yourself, alright?”

Steve hummed softly. “Okay, Sam. T-thanks for calling. Let um, let Tony know I’m doing alright, yeah? Don’t want him to worry or anything…I’m…-“

It sounded as if he was going to say _okay_ , but he seemed to stop himself. Sam smiled a little wryly at the pause. “It’s okay to _not_ be okay, Steve. You don’t gotta’ lie for my sake.”

Steve made a bit of an odd sort of sound and Sam could picture him breathing harshly against the palm of his hand in frustration. “Yeah okay, I’m not, but I’m getting there,” Steve managed to grit out.

“That’s good, Steve. I’m glad to hear it,” Sam assured.

Steve huffed out a quick breath and when he next spoke, he sounded very tired. “Yeah, listen, you…take care of yourself too. I’ll keep in touch, promise.”

“You’d better,” Sam mock threatened, sighing softly. “I’ll talk to you later, Steve.”

Steve hummed softly on the other end. “Will do. Bye, Sam.”

The line disconnected and they both turned when Bucky let out a shaky breath. Both somehow weren’t all that surprised when Bucky bent forward to cup both hands over his face and let out a choked sort of sound and then; “I’ll leave tonight. I’ll go to him tonight-“


	4. Chapter 4

It’d started raining in the early afternoon and Steve found himself curled up on the couch staring at the blank screen of the television, a cup of hot cocoa in his hands and a beige weighted blanket draped over him. He sighed, tipping his head back to look up at the vaulted ceilings above as he listened to the smattering of rain all around him.

“How about we watch a movie, Jarvis?” He suggested after a beat, turning his attention back to the darkened television.

“Of course, would you like to watch something from your movie list?” Jarvis offered.

Steve shrugged, about to say yes when he recalled another movie. “How about that _Cabin in the Woods_ film Tony and Sam mentioned?”

There was a pause as Jarvis turned on the TV for him and loaded up the movie database. “If you’d like to watch that, I can certainly acquire it for you,” Jarvis told him, the movie synopsis screen popping up only a second or two later.

“Sure, why not,” He sighed, not bothering to read the summary.

He figured the title was pretty self explanatory, so he made himself even more cozy beneath his blanket and settled in to watch the film.

.

_Stupid._

Watching this movie had been a stupid freaking idea. Steve was cowering behind his now empty mug of hot cocoa, brows furrowed in terrified confusion as he watched the actors on screen flee from the insane zombie family. He grimaced uncomfortably as someone else died and then nearly jumped a foot in the air when the sound of thunder rang out around him.

The rain, undoubtedly had gotten worse, but he didn’t think it’d been hot enough to bring along a thunderstorm. He frowned, glancing over his shoulder at the sliding glass doors to the backyard. It was darker than it should be, that was for sure. It was only on 7pm and yet it was blacker than black outside. He squinted, running a hand through his hair and was surprised when not a second later the sky lit up with the crack of lightening through the trees.

He swallowed hard, shaking off the unease. He _liked_ thunder storms…well, sort of. He _used_ to like thunder storms. Back before _Rebirth,_ before the war, before the tren-

He sucked in a harsh breath, getting up too quickly before heading to the kitchen to pour himself a glass of water. He’d fumbled the glass from the cupboard and managed not to break it and then turned the tap on. He let it run for a moment to make sure it was plenty cold before sticking the glass under the stream of cool water, breathing out slowly as he attempted to calm his racing heart. He shut the tap off a moment later and raised the glass to his lips.

He sipped on his water for a couple of long minutes as he gazed out the window above the sink into the backyard. It was still incredibly dark out, but he could make out the deck, the trees, the dock down by the lake well enough with his enhanced vision. The crack of thunder rang out around him suddenly and he shook his head at the slight flinch it prompted. The rain was coming down harder now, sheets and sheets of it pelting against the roof. He hadn’t seen it rain this heavily in far too long and wondered how long it could possibly last.

“Hey, Jarvis? What’s the forecast look like for the area?” He asked brusquely, voice a little hoarse.

“It would appear that there are rolling storms predicted to last well into tomorrow evening, Captain. Temperatures will remain in the high 80’s, though the humidity should break by noon tomorrow,” Jarvis’ smooth voice informed him.

Steve nodded absently, taking another sip of his water before a thought occurred to him. “ _Oh,_ uh, is there a backup generator? What happens if the power goes out?”

“If the power should go out, there is a backup generator that will click on 1 hour after the outage, should the power not come back on of its own. It can last up to 72 hours before refuelling will be necessary. The spare fuel is kept in the shed. The generator is located in the basement and is capable of handling the lights, kitchen appliances, security system, television, bathroom-“

“Thanks, Jarvis,” He interrupted, figuring that was plenty.

“Of course, Captain Rogers. One other note to add, I will be offline until the generator comes on and then another three minutes before I am able to communicate with you. Should you wish to turn the generator on manually, I would be online much quicker should you require my services.”

Steve nodded, murmuring his thanks, filing away the information as he started opening up kitchen drawers to look for a flashlight or candles just in case. He’d seen several candles scattered about the place, even a small lantern with a candle placed inside over in the office area, it’d just be a matter of finding a lighter and perhaps having a flashlight as backup. He managed to locate a box of matches after a bit of digging and an electric lighter in one of the drawers that housed utensils for the barbecue and just as he was about to head over to the front closet to see if perhaps there was a flashlight there, a very loud crack of thunder sounded and the cabin was plunged into darkness.

Steve froze, all of the little hairs on the back of his neck standing on end in the suddenly dark cabin. He made some kind of a noise, perhaps a combination of frustration and annoyance before he hung his head, shaking out his shoulders. There was really nothing for it. He’d just have to wait for the power to come back on and if it didn’t in a timely manner, the generator would kick in. He sighed, scrubbing a hand over his face as he attempted to pull himself together.

It wasn’t as if the darkness was a huge deal, he had great vision and he _could_ see most of the cabin. Outlines and a touch of softer light coming in through the windows. The startling flashes of lightning did illuminate everything from time to time, but he couldn’t actually depend on them to light his way at the moment. He sighed, resigned for a moment or three before he drew his shoulders back and decided to attempt to light some candles in the interim at least.

He thought back to the layout of the cabin and knew he’d seen a few candles in the living room, so he took a careful step out of the kitchen in the direction he’d been going a moment ago. He clutched the box of matches and lighter in one hand while he tentatively reached out to guide himself carefully past of a couple of the chairs at the kitchen table. He continued to tentatively skirt the edge of the table and chairs, taking smaller steps so as not to stub his toe or trip over anything he didn’t remember seeing earlier.

He didn’t have any issue making his way through the living room as his eyes adjusted and soon he was stepping into the office where the screens displaying the cameras were. There was no power, however, so everything remained dark as he carefully navigated the smaller space in search of that lantern he’d seen earlier.He managed to find it and almost knocked the damn thing over before he fumbled it over to the desk. He squinted into the darkness as he looked for the little door on the thing and finally managed to open it and get the candle wick sorted.

The small lighter he’d found was one of those ones with the longer nozzle, probably for lighting the barbecue and such and he figured it might work better for this, so he fiddled with the lock and clicked it a few times until it finally produced a flame. He sighed in relief when it finally worked and he lit the candle in the lantern with ease.

Once he’d had that taken care of, he went back out to the living room, now with a bit of light to guide the way. He relaxed, even with the rain still pouring down exponentially so, he felt a little better knowing he could at least see properly in the dark. He managed to find a few candles scattered throughout the living room and was pleased to note that they were all unscented. A little detail he was happy he’d mentioned to the Team once upon a time when he’d been exposed to _Bath and Body Works_ and nearly choked to death on the overwhelming scents.

One scented candle was alright for him, but even that could have his senses going a little wacky. He shook off the thought, happy at least Tony had remembered and started to relax by increments as more candles were starting to light up the room. The thunder was a constant rolling noise in the background, though it had dimmed slightly, it was still overhead. The lightning kept coming along-side the noise, lighting up the inside of the cabin every so often.

Steve was still feeling uneasy, but he ignored it as best he could as he went about lighting more candles and tidying up after himself. He wondered if he should chance going down to the basement to maybe start up the generator manually. He shuddered, wondering if it was a good idea…it was in the basement after all and Tony said-

“Yeah, _no,_ ” He muttered with a shake of his head and then after a beat, “Stupid movie.”

.

Bucky was wet, _soaked,_ actually. According to Stark, he was less than a mile from the cabin and here he was, trudging along in the rain, rolling his motorcycle along beside him. He’d had to hop off after a while, the rain having picked up and the weather taken a turn for the worse. The road wasn’t safe to travel on the bike, so he’d really had no choice.

He was as wet as he could get and it wasn’t pretty, but there wasn’t much he could do about it, except hope Steve would let him use his shower. _Oh well_. He internally sighed, picking up the pace. He followed the same path he’d been on for a while longer and he could see the light in the distance from no doubt Steve’s cabin. Stark had told him there weren’t any other homes around this area as Steve had been set smack dab in the middle of a nature preserve owned by Tony himself. Bucky didn’t doubt that Stark had covered up his little present for Steve by doing so. It sure was one way to prevent unwanted visitors of the human variety.

The cabin was growing closer and closer the longer he walked and by the time he’d reached the property, he was shivering and really damn cold, despite the warmth and humidity. He inhaled shakily as he came to a stop at the edge of the driveway, mindful to keep off the property line. Tony told him that Jarvis was monitoring the property and knew he was coming but wouldn’t alert Steve if he so wished. He’d wished.

Steve still didn’t know he was coming and he…he wasn’t really sure how he was going to do this exactly. Did he just go up and knock on the door? Just when he was about to move in a bit closer, there was a loud crack of thunder and then the cabin’s lights went out.

Bucky stilled, waiting to see if the power might come back on, but nothing happened and after a few minutes, he really didn’t have much choice. He swallowed past the lump in his throat and started up the length of the driveway to park his bike by the shed, as out of the rain as he could manage. Just as he’d rounded the edge of the shed, he caught sight of a flicker of light from inside the cabin, a shadow moving about. Steve had lit a candle it seemed and Bucky watched in stunned surprise as the blond himself came into view in the front window.

Steve never failed to steal his breath away.

Bucky stood rooted to the spot as Steve seemed to wander about the living room lighting more candles, illuminating the cabin little by little. Bucky let out a slow, shaky breath as he took several more steps until he was standing at the base of the stairs leading up to the cabin’s front door. Steve had stepped out of sight, carrying what looked like a candle along with him and Bucky thought he could see a dim glow in the darkness down what was probably a hallway. Perhaps in his bedroom lighting more candles then.

He shivered as the wind picked up, readjusting the backpack he’d slung over his shoulder. His hair was wet and clinging at the back of his neck and was giving him a chill. He absently reached up to tug his ball-cap down lower and adjust the collar of his leather jacket so his neck didn’t feel so exposed. At the same moment, Steve reappeared in the living room and stopped suddenly, a flash of lightning illuminating the front yard.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So...do you have any thoughts on where or how you'd like this next bit to go? If so, leave a comment, I'd love to hear about it. ^^


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Uh...this seriously got away from me. This last chapter is a bit heavy. Sorry? Hope you like it anyway. <3

Steve inhaled sharply, entire body having gone tense. Because, he was pretty sure that was Bucky standing at the bottom of his porch. It was still pouring rain outside, sheets and sheets of it coming down in such a torrential downpour and though he could barely see two-feet outside the window, he was pretty sure there was a person standing there in the darkness. And who else could it be, other than Bucky?

There was the glint of metal in the lightning strike that next lit up the yard, and in the sudden flash there were the worried features of his best friend hiding behind a mess of wet hair. Steve sucked in a sharp breath and took a stumbling step forwards unthinkingly, not expecting to bump his shin into the low coffee table.

He jolted, cursing under his breath, panicked gaze straying into the darkness that surrounded him. With the candlelight he was able to make out the edge of the coffee table and carefully scooted around it before heading towards the front door. There was the creek of a step outside and without thinking, he threw open the front door and was met with the harsh sounds of the storm raging outside.

There was another flash and it lit up the yard and subsequently, one James Buchanan Barnes.

There were no words, no sudden whisper of a name he once begged the man before him to remember. There was barely a breath as he took in the sight of the man who had once been his best friend, his everything. Maybe he still was, the steel blue-grey orbs looking up at him from that step were filled with recognition, nervous anticipation and so much pain and so much longing that Steve thought just for a moment that he must be dreaming.

But he wasn’t dreaming, he couldn’t be, because in no dream had Bucky ever looked so real, so tangible. He wanted to reach out and touch and wondered if maybe he could, if maybe he was allowed. He took a halting step forwards and found his knees had gone weak without his say so and watched as the man on the step took one himself.

Steve’s next breath was harsh even muted beneath the sounds of the storm. He felt deafened by the noise outside, the howling wind and pelting rain, the cracks of thunder drawing closer. He must have made a noise, didn’t consciously realize he’d done so until the man before him made a curiously soft sound that would have gone unnoticed by anyone other than him. Steve was crying.He wasn’t entirely sure when he’s started, but a soft torturous sob having escaped him had drawn the man closer as he’d stared at the man who looked as if he were an apparition made real by sheer force of _will_.

Neither spoke for an agonizing moment as Steve covered his mouth, hoping to prevent more horrible sounds from escaping and letting this man, _his_ _friend_ , be witness to any more. He hadn’t expected Bucky to take that next step up onto the landing, however, now only a foot away from him. Before he recognized the intent to even move he was reaching out with one large hand, shaking though it was, to reach for him. He stopped short of touching. He felt the unmistakable warmth radiating from Bucky and couldn’t-couldn’t make himself reach just that much farther.

He was grateful that he didn’t have to.

Bucky moved, closing that scant inch between Steve’s palm and his left pec. The solidness, the surety that Bucky was _here,_ astounded him.

“ _Steve-_ “ It was a broken whisper of a word and Steve was helpless not to fall into it, into him.

He tugged Bucky to him roughly, hand clutching at his chest while the other wound tight behind him to grasp the back of his neck, bringing Bucky’s face into the crook of his shoulder. Bucky let himself be pulled, both of his arms coming up to wrap tightly around Steve’s large frame. Bucky’s hat was knocked carelessly off as Steve clutched at him and Bucky squeezed his eyes shut against his friends’ shoulder.

This was more than he could have anticipated. To be hugged by Steve, _held_ by him, it was too much and he felt himself shuddering with the overwhelming urge to fall to his knees and beg for forgiveness. Steve would never make him beg for anything, though. Not in a million years would he ever make Bucky beg. Whatever he wanted from Steve, he would give it to him freely, forever and always.

Steve didn’t know how long they stood there like that, clutching at one another, their chests hitching with stifled sobs and choked breaths. Their grasp on one another remained relentless, just holding on to one another, neither wanting to let go of the other for fear they might just disappear into the night.

The rain was still coming down and though they were partially covered now by the overhang, it was windy and cold and they were still being pelted by the rain. Bucky slowly pulled his head back from where he’d been practically buried against his friends shoulder and without letting his grip soften, tipped his head up to try and catch his friends gaze.

Steve could feel him moving, his hands going so far as to tighten their grasp where he’d been holding on to Bucky. But the brunet wasn’t trying to pull away, merely look up at him and Steve found he couldn’t resist turning his head slightly to catch his gaze.

They felt trapped, locked in one another’s eyes and the vulnerability each saw in the others was heart-wrenchingly desperate. “ _Steve-_ “ Bucky managed to breathe and the blond jerked slightly, startled by the pleading quality to his friends voice.

“ _Bucky, I-_ “ But Bucky didn’t let him finish.

Bucky’s lips pressed against his and they were cool and wet with rainwater but it was _Bucky_ and Steve found himself melting into it, not having expected it but not wanting to fight it either. He’d always loved Bucky, never stopped and while he’d never kissed the man before, never told him how he _truly felt,_ nor been kissed by him in turn-until now, that is-though, he’d thought about it more times than he could count.

But in all the times he’d let himself think, let himself _wonder_ what Bucky’s lips might taste like, might feel like against his own, he’d never thought they would be like this. He never thought Bucky would _kiss_ him like this.

He kissed like a man on a mission and for all Steve knew, maybe he was. Steve hadn’t seen him since that day on the ship and it-it hadn’t been a good day and it hadn’t exactly ended well for them. And then that note had felt like an ending for Steve. He honestly wasn’t sure he’d ever get to see Bucky again after that.

“ _Stevie-_ “ Bucky’s plaintive whisper against his lips broke through his tumultuous thoughts and he jerked in Bucky’s grasp, gasping at the sound of his childhood nickname falling from his friends lips.

 _No one_ called him Stevie but _Bucky._

With such a simple word, Steve felt himself falling, his knees giving out from beneath him and Bucky grunted as he was suddenly supporting Steve’s weight and Stevie wasn’t exactly light as a feather no more. He manhandled the blond back against the house just to the left of the open door and _Christ_ but they should really just go inside-

“C-come inside, _please,_ Bucky,” Steve begged and Bucky made a curiously soft sound as he nodded jerkily, still holding on to Steve.

He was gripping Steve’s hip harder than perhaps necessary and he couldn’t exactly bring himself to mind, let alone stop his metal hand from grasping the side of Steve’s neck, so, so carefully.

At the first brush of the metal against his clammy skin, Steve let out a whimper and Bucky couldn’t take it any more. He kissed him again, Steve’s lips parting without his conscious say so, but he _wanted_ Bucky to kiss him so damn badly. He’d do anything to keep Bucky’s lips against his.

Bucky could feel him melting in his arms, body going lax, letting himself be _vulnerable_ and Bucky forced himself to slow down. He didn’t want to hurt him by being so desperate, so _relieved_ now that he finally had the man right in front of him.

He gentled his kiss, tongue swiping out lightly to trace the edge of Steve’s soft pouty lips, so beautiful and plump already and he let himself pull back-only a little, mind-to allow his gaze to roam over his face, noting his pinched brows, those absurdly long lashes clumped and wet with more than just rain water. Bucky shook his head, pressing his forehead against his and relishing in the fact that they were _here._

Steve was still clutching weakly at him, one hand gripping his side as tight as he could manage and the other wrapped around Bucky’s flesh and blood shoulder and they really were quite the pair, both unable to relinquish their grasp on the other for fear or everything just _disappearing_ out from under them.

Steve’s eyelids fluttered and Bucky let himself get caught up in the sight of his eyes; so blue and so beautiful, shimmering with fresh tears and full of such longing and Bucky hoped-he _hoped_ it was love too.

Steve shivered, an entire body spasm that startled Bucky and he unconsciously pressed in closer, trying to build warmth between them. They really should go inside. He nodded, finally acknowledging Steve’s earlier invitation and forced himself to slowly pull back from the man’s embrace. It was no easy task when they both didn’t want to truly let go, but Steve solved that for them both by taking Bucky’s hand in his and dragging him inside.

Bucky knew he was dripping water all over the floor and he felt guilty about it for all of a second before the sound of the heavy door shutting and locking behind him had his whole body tensing in anticipation. He dropped his backpack heedlessly at his side, the muted thump against the wood loud in the otherwise quiet cabin.

He could feel Steve at his back, a warm presence despite the fact that he had to be nearly as soaked through as Bucky in that moment. And then that warmth pressed closer and Bucky’s eyes fluttered shut as Steve wrapped his arms around him and just held him tight, sandwiched up against him from head to knee.

Steve’s warm breath was coming in quick bursts against the back of Bucky’s neck, towards his left shoulder and Bucky willed himself not to flinch as Steve shifted his cheek to rest against the back of his neck, ruffling the wet hair that clung to his skin. He raised his arms to fold over where Steve’s arms surrounded him and he let himself push out a couple of rough breaths as he tried to steady himself.

“I’m so sorry it took me so long, Stevie,” Bucky found the strength to whisper into the quiet of the cabin.

He could _feel_ the moment those words sunk in and Steve’s arms tightened just the barest amount around him for his trouble, but then the blond was letting out a horribly shaky breath as he breathed, “You just needed time, Bucky. I forgive you.”

But Bucky didn’t _want_ to be forgiven. He didn’t _deserve_ Steve’s forgiveness.

“ _No-_ “ He whispered, turning around in Steve’s arms and forcing him to relinquish his hold.

Steve did so reluctantly, but his hands were instantly gripping the front of his soaked jacket in an attempt to keep him close. Bucky didn’t begrudge him that.

“I don’t deserve your forgiveness, Steve. I’ll never deserve it, but I-I’ll make it right, I will,” He promised, his eyes searching Steve’s, trying to understand the multitude of feelings he was currently experiencing.

Somehow, he was sure that Steve was fairing about the same.

Steve shook his head, brows pinching up in concern, in _obvious_ disagreement but Bucky shook his head and reached up to cup both of Steve’s cheeks carefully in the palms of his hands, silencing all possible protests in an instant.

“I left you all those years ago, I left you and I didn’t want to, Stevie. You have to believe me. I never wanted to leave you,” He insisted, practically clutching Steve’s face as he pressed in closer. “When I saw you on that bridge, I didn’t-I didn’t know who you were but I _knew you_ , I _did_ and I _lied_ to you because I was afraid, I didn’t understand-“ He confessed, voice hoarse and filled with a raggedness Steve had never heard in his friend before.

“I knew you on that helicarrier, I didn’t understand and _God, Steve_ , I was _terrified_ of you. Of what it meant to remember something I wasn’t _allowed to_ -“ He choked on the words, tears of his own wetting his cheeks and Steve shook his head, ready to say _something,_ but Bucky bowled over him, needing to get this off his chest.

“You were my mission,” He whispered brokenly, face scrunching up in distaste. “And I couldn’t hurt you any more, I couldn’t do it, Stevie. I pulled you from that river knowing that I had already hurt you so much and there was no going back from that, but at least you were _alive_. That’s all I cared about then, was that you were breathing. I knew you’d be okay, I did. You-your friends would come for you.”

Steve tried to somehow press _closer_ to him and Bucky rest his forehead against the blond’s. “And then I left you, _again_. Made you chase me half way around the world because I was too goddamn _cowardly_ to face you.”

“ _No-_ “ Steve finally managed to get out, but it was so breathy, so tear filled that Bucky had to press a kiss to those trembling lips.

“Yes, Stevie, I was. I’ve been a coward when it comes to you all my life. I never told you how I felt then, never told you when we were curled up on that shitty mattress in our apartment freezin’ under all the blankets we owned, or when we were sittin’ on that awful lumpy sofa drawin’ and readin’ together, or when we were shoutin’ at one another, me for babyin’ you and you for gettin’ in’ta a fight,” Bucky breathed, shaking his head and _willing_ Steve to just understand.

“I never told you when I was sittin’ by your bedside prayin’ to a God I didn’t believe in no more that you’d pull through whatever illness had you bedridden then. I never told you, Stevie…when you pulled me up from that table, when we were fightin’ in those trenches…never told you that _I_ l _oved you, Stevie._ That I’d loved you since we were boys an’ I wasn’t ever gonna’ _stop_ lovin’ you, honey.”

Steve was crying, couldn’t even begin to control it. The tears fell freely as he flattened his palms against Bucky’s chest, feeling the harried rise and fall of the his chest with each laboured breath. “If you were a coward because of that, Buck…then so was I,” He breathed, voice shaky and earnest. “Because I’m as guilty as you are, I never told you either, Bucky. I n-never-“ He shook his head, his emotions getting the better of him and Bucky’s flesh and blood hand shifted to caress the side of his neck lightly.

He could feel the rabbit quick flutter of his pulse beneath his thumb and Bucky’s eyes flickered over his face, unable to look away.

“I never told you that I loved you, Buck. Never told you that I went to bed every night thinkin’ of your smile, your voice, the warmth of your arm around my shoulders, the press of your thigh against mine…I loved you for so long in secret because I couldn’t put you in danger like that, couldn’t hold you back b-because I knew, Bucky. I knew you loved me and I never said nothin’,” He confessed and Bucky tensed, completely at a loss.

Steve…Steve had _known?_ He thought he’d been so careful…

He shook his head slowly, words trapped in his throat as he digested all of that because-because he hadn’t expected that at all. He’d known on some level that Steve maybe loved him as more than-well, a brother-and yes of course the kissing him _back_ thing had sort of made that abundantly clear. Steve obviously had more than just platonic feelings for him, but he was entirely surprised that he’d been so transparent to Steve when apparently he had been feeling the same way.

It was far too much to handle for him in that moment. Especially when he was soaking wet and starting to shiver despite the serum flowing through his veins. Even Steve was shivering minutely and trying to ignore it.

Steve shook his head gently, lips quirking up in a timid half smile. “So if you’re a coward, then so am I, Buck.”

Bucky exhaled slowly and shook his head, brushing the metal hand carefully back through his blond locks, watching as water droplets fell from the strands, their patter loud against the hardwood. “You’re the farthest thing from a coward,” Bucky whispered and Steve’s gaze softened, even as his body was wracked with another shiver.

“I’m sorry,” Bucky apologized. “You must be freezin’. I got you all wet, dragged you out into the rain.”

Steve’s smile was small, but it was still a smile. “The power’s still out, but the generator. It’s downstairs, th-there’s a shower down there too if-“

“ _Yeah-_ “ Bucky breathed and Steve made a sort of strangled sound as the brunet’s flesh and blood hand slipped around to his back, pressing lightly against his soaked t-shirt and making him shudder as their hips pressed flush together. “Yeah, that sounds-“

He didn’t get to finish that thought as Steve leaned in and claimed his lips in a chaste kiss. It was clumsy but sweet and Bucky found his entire body softening against the blond’s as they shared the tender kiss, but there was a simmering heat there beneath the surface that he knew needed to be let out. But first, they needed to get warm.

“Come on, I can get the generator up and running while you figure out the shower,” Bucky explained and Steve was helpless not to follow Bucky down the stairs and into the basement, grabbing the candle as they went.

.

Steve was uncomfortably wet as he stood just over Bucky’s shoulder, candle in hand as Bucky tried to get the generator working. It wasn’t difficult by any means and only a few short minutes later, they had working lights and running water. Jarvis had said that the generator was powerful enough to run pretty well everything, so he figured they were good to at least take a shower.

Now, if Steve could only figure out _how_ to do so, that would be great.

“I’ve never done this before,” He blurted unthinkingly and felt his eyes widen with the sheer _stupidity_ of that statement.

Bucky still had his back to him, however, and Steve watched in cringeworthy embarrassment as he turned around slowly from where he’d finished his task to fix Steve with a rather curious expression. “Taken a shower?” Bucky asked slowly, but there was a slight twinkle in his eye and a twitch of his lips that had Steve blushing hotly in embarrassment.

“Y-you know what I mean,” Steve chastised and Bucky’s lips tipped up into a small smile.

“I know, Steve. I’m only teasing…and I-I haven’t done this before either,” He admitted, voice having lowered to something a little softer, a little quieter.

Steve swallowed hard and nodded, unable to stop himself from drawing his bottom lip between his teeth. Bucky’s eyes tracked the motion and Steve watched helplessly as his throat bobbed at the sight. In the blink of an eye, Bucky was across the space and blowing out the candle, setting it down hastily as he grabbed roughly at the hem of Steve’s shirt.

It was frantic movements and gasping breaths as they kissed and worked at undressing each other after that. They probably would have been far more effective if they’d just done it themselves, but higher brain function was set on the back burner in exchange for simply needing to get at every inch of each others skin as much as humanly possible.

Steve whimpered when Bucky’s cool hands pressed against his now bare hips, the tips of his metal fingers curling around the waistband of his briefs and really, Steve barely even thought about it as he helped Bucky shove them down his thighs before he was reaching out to Bucky and shoving his jeans and briefs down just as fast.

Bucky had tossed his shirt aside as soon as he’d managed to free Steve of his, but he’d been reluctant to let Steve remove the tank top he had on underneath and he knew it would have to come off. It was just as soaked as the rest of his clothes, but he just needed another minute or two to regroup.

“ _Bucky-_ “ Steve gasped sharply and Bucky groaned as he nipped at his plush bottom lip, hands sliding down Steve’s thighs only to come back up and grab firmly at his hips once more.

“ _God,_ Stevie. N-never felt anything so good before,” Bucky breathed, practically licking into his mouth as he pressed in close.

Steve’s body was a wall of muscle up against his own and the heat was only growing between them and they weren’t even under the damn water yet. Steve let out a soft mewl and Bucky felt his cock twitch heavily against his thigh at the noise. Steve would certainly be the death of him. He was more than half hard at this point, but he was still chilly from being caught out in the rain. Steve, on the other hand, was ready to pound goddamn _nails._

Bucky could feel Steve’s cock against his hip and it pulsed in time with his heartbeat with every step Bucky urged Steve to take towards the shower. The water wasn’t running yet but Bucky made quick work of spinning the dials. When he pulled back from doing so, he felt Steve’s careful fingers grasp tentatively at the hem of his still remaining tank top.

Bucky stilled and forced himself to meet his gaze, swallowing thickly at the soft look on Steve’s face. “Let me take it off?”

Bucky found himself nodding, suddenly unable to voice himself. He would bare himself completely to Steve because he knew Steve would always do the same.

He let Steve remove it, the shirt lost to the floor with the rest of their clothes. Steve’s gaze was warm and steady as he let his eyes rove over the expanse of Bucky’s broad chest, his solid abs, his chest hitching with nearly every breath. Steve’s gaze didn’t linger on the scars at Bucky’s shoulders, but he didn’t ignore them either. But Bucky had _so many_ scars and they told the story of how he _survived._ Steve loved them all.

He pressed in close to kiss the man and Bucky grunted softly as his bottom lip was nipped at. He didn’t waste any time before ushering Steve into the shower stall.

It was big shower. Clear glass from just above waist height on two sides with soft beige tiles blocking out everything else. There was even a heated towel rack just beside it and Bucky made a pleased noise as he followed Steve into the shower and closed the door behind them.

It didn’t take long at all for Bucky to press Steve back against the cool tiles, the blond letting out a hiss of a breath at the cold at his back. Bucky huffed but let out a groan as Steve bit down on his bottom lip in retaliation. _Christ,_ but Steve was perfect.

Bucky let his flesh and blood hand cup Steve’s cheek as he pressed in close for a deeper kiss. Steve virtually _melted_ against him, lashes fluttering against the tops of his cheeks as Bucky licked into his mouth, a bit of that urgency from earlier making itself known. They had time, they had _lots_ of time. Now Bucky just needed to keep reminding himself of that.

“Bucky,” Steve whimpered when they next broke apart for air. “ _Please_ , I-“ He gasped, choking on his next words as Bucky slid the metal hand down to caress between them.

He slotted a muscled thigh between Steve’s legs and watched as Steve tipped his head back against the tiles, exposing the long line of his throat as he shouted a string of obscenities. Bucky _ground_ against him at the words, once and then twice-

Bucky choked on his next breath, lips tucked in close to Steve’s throat, nipping, sucking and kissing his way down when Steve suddenly tensed up in his arms and came, shuddering so hard he nearly dislodged Bucky as he rode out the waves of his pleasure as he pulsed heavily between them.

Bucky was absolutely gobsmacked by this imperfectly perfect man in his arms. He could see the tip of Steve’s cock, near purple as it pulsed against his abs, another drop of his come escaping to paint their bellies.

“ _F-fuck-_ “ Steve finally managed, dragging in a lungful of air desperately, both of his hands digging in sharply where he held Bucky; one against his hip, the other clamped down tightly on his good shoulder.

“Jesus _Christ_ , Stevie,” Bucky hissed, breath suddenly just as laboured as Steve’s. “That was-“

“ _Sorry-_ “ Steve finally managed to breathe, that beautiful pink flush having spread further down his throat, his chest darkening incredibly more so.

He still had his head tipped back against the tiles, the warmth of the water steadily beating down over their bodies, relaxing tense muscles and creating a soothing melody of sounds all around them. “Are you apologizing for coming?” Bucky blurted.

Steve huffed and finally managed to drop his gaze enough to meet Bucky’s eyes, seeing the warmth in those grey-blue orbs, the adoration. “Y-yeah, I didn’t mean to come s-so fast.”

Bucky made a soft _strangled_ sound and shook his head. “You are _such_ and idiot.”

Steve blinked and then frowned, lips parting as he geared up to snark at Bucky, no doubt. “You just came, basically _untouched_ because a’ me. That was fuckin’ hot, doll.”

Steve choked on air, nearly biting his tongue as he clamped his mouth shut. The flush on his cheeks had spread so far down his chest and _damn_ , Bucky really wanted to follow it with his tongue. “You’re so damn gorgeous, Stevie. I-I can’t believe I made you come like that. _Christ_.”

Steve made a soft embarrassed sound, both of his hands skimming along Bucky’s chest, feeling the muscle beneath all that gorgeous skin. Bucky had his fair share of scars but he wore them well and Steve felt like Bucky carried all the scars that he himself could not. He loved Bucky all the more for it. He surged up and gripping the back of Bucky’s neck, he claimed his perfect lips in a hungry kiss.

It was needy and desperate, not at all how Steve ever thought he’d be during a sexual encounter and with _Bucky_ no less. But he wasn’t all that surprised. This was _Bucky_ and Bucky had always made him feel this way. He _needed_ Bucky like breathing, always had and always would. Seventy some odd years hadn’t changed that.

Bucky needed Steve too, though.

Bucky let himself be kissed and he could practically _taste_ the desperation coming off of the man. He didn’t want Stevie to feel that way, but wasn’t entirely sure he could stop him, not when he was starting to feel much the same. “L-let me touch you, Buck. _Please_ , let me-“

“Yeah, Stevie, a’course you can touch me, a-anywhere you want. I’m yours, doll, always yours,” Bucky consoled, beside himself as he continued to press kiss after kiss against Steve’s perfectly pink lips.

Steve whimpered against him and Bucky braced himself as the blond’s hands caressed down over his chest, lightly skimming over his nipples, the nubs peaked with arousal already. Bucky didn’t stay idle as Steve explored his body, lips and teeth and tongue busy kissing him to within an inch of his life. He trailed hot pressing kisses along Steve’s jaw, down the gorgeous column of his throat as he turned his head to give him more access. Bucky was grateful and took full advantage, nipping and kissing, _biting_ at the flushed skin and revelling in Steve’s hitched, moaning breaths.

Bucky let himself get lost in touching his lover, Steve’s hands never staying idle for long either, but when Bucky-in a moment of searing arousal-ground against Steve’s abs, his cock sliding wetly against Steve’s own, the blond gasped out sharply and arched his back and Bucky-

Bucky grabbed Steve’s ass- _hard-_ with _both hands_ and in an instant he had his arms full of a wet and naked Steve, those gorgeously thick thighs wrapped around his hips, ankles crossed behind his back. The breathy needy kisses they’d been sharing were quickly put on hold and the pair stood-well, _Bucky_ stood-there staring at each other with twin looks of shock on their faces.

“ _Bed-_ “ Bucky choked. “I-want-“

“ _Yes-_ “ Steve gasped and Bucky didn’t think twice about carrying Steve out of the shower.

Bucky knew they were tracking water all over the place but neither really seemed to care, far too distracted by the other. Steve ground his still hard cock, so blood-flushed and aching, up against Bucky’s washboard abs and _oh_ but they were _glorious._ Bucky hitched him in his arms a tad higher as they got to the top of the stairs and Steve gasped out when he felt Bucky’s cock shift and now they were lined up almost perfectly.

And Steve really couldn’t miss an opportunity.

He let one arm slip from around Bucky’s shoulders to squirm down between their bodies, wholeheartedly trusting that Bucky wouldn’t drop him-but _oh_ the fact that Bucky could _carry him_ like this, _manhandle him_ like this, was so utterly mind blowing. Steve was hard pressed to think of anything hotter. That is, until he wrapped the hand he’d managed to sneak between their bodies down far enough to grasp _both_ of them in his still wet palm.

Bucky choked and stumbled a step at the sudden touch to his cock and Steve yelped in surprise as Bucky twisted and then shoved him roughly against the nearest wall. “Fuck- _fuck-_ “ Bucky choked, thrusting up into Steve’s grip as he pressed Steve roughly against the wall, blinded by the sudden rush of sensation.

Steve whimpered and kept his grip tight, stroking them both hard and fast. He wanted Bucky to feel good too, wanted him to always want this, want _him_. He wanted to show Bucky what they could have, what they could _be_ together and hope he’d never want to leave again.

Bucky grunted, breaking from their frantic kissing to sink his teeth into the juncture of his shoulder, relishing in the shout Steve gave, body nearly _convulsing_ in his arms as his cock twitched heavily in the throes of his orgasm, hips jerking as much as he was able with Bucky pinning him so securely against the wall.

Bucky made a strangled sound as he glanced down between them, feeling Steve’s sudden release begin to slick the way as he continued to stroke them both. Bucky was-he was so-

“Fuck, _Stevie-_ “ Bucky grunted, thrusting his hips against Steve, his cock slipping through his fist, still relishing in the feeling of the blond’s cock twitching against his own, the slick slide so utterly perfect. “I-I’m close.”

Steve made a soft _wounded_ noise in the back of his throat and Bucky sucked in a sharp breath when he shifted his grip on their cocks, Steve’s softening cock slipping from his grasp so that he could focus properly on Bucky’s pleasure. It wouldn’t take long, not with the way Steve had tightened his grip, the long worn callous along the inside of his thumb twisting just perfectly over the head of his cock, smearing the pre-come along with _Steve’s come_ and that was-

“ _Steve-_ “ Bucky nearly shouted, shuddering hard in his grasp as he thrust up into the blond’s sure grip, his movements becoming more hurried, frantic with the need to get Bucky off.

“Co-come on, Buck. Want to see you come, want to see-see you fall apart for me,” Steve urged and Bucky moaned, long and low as he stole Steve’s lips in a desperate kiss, the first waves of his orgasm crashing down over him and taking him under.

His grasp on Steve’s perfect peach of an ass turned harsh and just shy of biting, but Steve only gasped and arched as far as he possibly could in his grasp, back a beautiful arc from the wall, wordlessly begging for more as Bucky came in warm, shuddering pulses over his fingers with a series of bitten off moans.

Steve whimpered at the sight, barely managing to keep his eyes open and focused on the man pinning him- _so_ _damn_ _well-_ against the wall of the cabin. “ _Steve,_ ” Bucky damn well _whimpered_ and Steve let out a soft moan at the sound.

Bucky shifted his grasp on him and Steve’s breathing hitched as he carefully drew his come covered hand away from their oversensitive flesh. Bucky’s chest was heaving in the aftermath of his orgasm and Steve tried to take a moment or three to appreciate the healthy glowing flush that had spread like wildfire along his skin.

Bucky shook his head, entirely caught off guard by this man. He couldn’t help smiling when he’d finally managed to get a handle on himself and Steve met it with a happy grin of his own as he wrapped his arm back around Bucky’s neck. He nuzzled Bucky’s nose lightly with his and pressed a gentle kiss to Bucky’s kiss-bitten lips and whispered, “Take me to bed, Buck.”

Bucky didn’t hesitate. The heat in Steve’s gaze was more than enough to make him get a move on. He spun on his heel and Steve’s breathing hitched as he tipped his chin down the hallway towards his room, pointing the way. Bucky did his best to avoid any potential obstacles and only managed to knock his-thankfully not the metal-elbow once into a wall on the way and hoped that it wouldn’t leave a mark.

They made it safely to the bedroom in no time at all and Bucky wasted even less time pressing Steve down into the mattress. Steve’s gaze softened as he was laid down so carefully and they both stilled, Bucky kneeling half on the bed between his legs while Steve remained laid out on the covers, his knees having fallen open on either side of Bucky’s hips, arms still loosely wound around his neck.

Steve let his hand wander up the back of Bucky’s neck, carding through the still wet strands of his longer hair, the chestnut beautiful and dark in contrast to his skin. Bucky was beautiful, in every sense of the word; scars and all. His grey-blue eyes were like mist settling over the ocean, rolling along the shore and enveloping everything in its path. Beautiful and ethereal, dangerous.

Steve exhaled shakily and Bucky swallowed thickly at the sound. “Tell me what you want, sweetheart,” Bucky murmured, voice soft like warm velvet and Steve shivered as it seemed to wrap itself around him.

“You, Bucky, always you,” Steve whispered and Bucky nipped at his bottom lip, pressing his hips down so that their cocks slid together in a tantalizing slide, eliciting a whimper from Steve.

“Can I-would you-“

“Anything, Bucky, _anything_ ,” Steve insisted and Bucky let loose a needy sound, something he was sure he’d _never_ made before.

Steve’s eyes widened at the noise and he lost his breath in the next moment as Bucky pushed him roughly up the mattress, now settled properly between his spread legs. “I want to be inside you,” He confessed and Steve’s head flopped back against the pillows as he gasped, “Yes, Bucky, _yes._ ”

Bucky wasted no time claiming his lips in a heated kiss and Steve lost time for a while as Bucky laid claim to what felt like every inch of him. Bucky’s hands were like fire, even the metal as it warmed against his already overheated skin and Steve let himself sink into it.

Bucky fumbled for the bedside table, knowing that if there was slick, it’d probably be there and he wasn’t wrong. Though, somehow he was sure it wasn’t by Steve’s doing. Steve blushed scarlet when Bucky pulled back enough with the bottle in hand and watched with round eyes as Bucky uncapped it and poured some onto his flesh hand.

Steve shuddered as Bucky stole his lips in yet another kiss after dropping the bottle at his hip and he knew it was to distract him, but Steve really didn’t care. He wound his arms around Bucky’s neck and drew him in as close as he could, Bucky following but managing to keep his hips far enough separated to allow his hand to slip down between Steve’s legs.

He didn’t get right to it, however, and it left Steve breathless, entire body twitching and sensitive as Bucky’s wet fingertips caressed behind his balls, thumb swiping over the sensitive skin, so close to where he desperately wanted him. “ _Bucky-_ “ Steve whined, legs spreading wider and Bucky groaned softly against his lips when he hitched himself up a little higher, letting Bucky gain access to more of where he needed him.

“I’ll take care of you, Stevie,” Bucky promised, pressing a sweet kiss to the edge of his swollen lips, nibbling along his jaw.

Steve gasped, tipping his head back and baring his throat to Bucky as he slipped lower, mouth trailing fire in its wake. Bucky probed carefully back behind his sac and added more pressure as he searched out that puckered muscle.

Steve practically spasmed when Bucky’s slick fingertip pressed curiously against that spot and Bucky groaned as he added a bit more pressure, tracing around that entrance and generally making a mess of things. But Steve was panting and it was beautiful, _he_ was beautiful, flushed and sweating, still covered in droplets from the shower too. His head was thrown back against the pillows and Bucky watched, enraptured as the tendons in his neck stood out in sharp relief in the darkened bedroom.

There wasn’t much light to be had, despite the generator working, they hadn’t exactly remembered to flick on a light. But it was enough to see by, the curtains left open and lightning still lighting up the night sky as the night wore on.

Steve was a vision. Always was, in Bucky’s eyes and now was no different. Bucky lost himself for a while, lips trailing searing kisses along his collarbone, over his chest, drawing those perfectly pink nipples between his lips to lick and suck and _bite_ and _God,_ but the _noises_ Steve made would be the end of him.

He laved attention over first one nipple and then the other as he slowly but surely worked a finger inside of his tight hole. He was hot and so damn tight inside and Bucky worked his finger in and out slowly until he was taking it with ease. Steve’s abdomen was tight with restraint, those perfect abdominals bunched up as Bucky pressed nipping kisses down them, along his sides, making him twitch and _whimper_ and _Christ,_ but Bucky was so hard it physically _pained him._

“Bucky,” Steve breathed, curled forward, eyes shut tight and mouth dropped open in a soft moan, both of his big hands gripping the sheets so tightly it was a miracle they hadn’t yet torn. “Bucky, Bucky, _Bucky-_ “ And _oh_ , the _plea_ in them was almost too much for him to bare.

He had to kiss him quiet, had to lick into that pretty pink mouth as he withdrew his finger and pressed back in with two.

Steve _mewled_ in response, back arching and hands coming up to claw at Bucky’s shoulders- _both of them-_ and Bucky let him, he’d let Steve do anything at all to him.

It wasn’t long until he was gently curling his fingers, breaking the kiss when Steve could only bring himself to pant into his mouth, not that Bucky minded. It was easy to find that spot inside of him. Bucky had been avoiding it purposely, wanting to pull back enough to watch his gorgeously flushed face as he tripped over it for the first time and it had been worth the lack of kissing in that moment.

Watching Steve fall apart, crying out his pleasure, arching up desperately, _all_ of his muscles positively _straining_ as he was hurtled towards that edge and came crashing down the other side with a near deafening _howl,_ was worth _everything_.

He came in thick ropes across his belly and Bucky was moaning so loudly at the sight alone. He wasn’t sure he didn’t actually come himself upon seeing Steve lose himself so wonderfully. It just felt so _good_ , giving pleasure to Steve like this. He never wanted to stop.

Steve was whimpering as his body shook with the aftershocks of his orgasm and Bucky marvelled in the face of it. _He_ did that, _he_ made Steve come so hard as to put that wonderfully dazed expression on his pretty face. Bucky maybe felt a little smug about it, not that Steve was coherent enough to take notice.

He was still panting, a right mess, body flushed and chest heaving as Bucky backed off the gentle motions against his prostate. Steve was clearly sensitive to begin with, Bucky could only imagine what oversensitivity would feel like to him right now. It didn’t stop him from continuing to work to stretch him, though, and Steve was grateful for it.

“You’re so goddamn beautiful, Stevie,” Bucky finally managed to find his voice, it seemed and watched as the sound of it made Steve virtually _melt_ back into the bedding, sighing and shivering as his lashes fluttered and he set those baby blues on Bucky.

He wore the dopiest smile and Bucky shook his head in awe. “So beautiful, baby,” Bucky murmured, leaning in and smearing Steve’s come against both of their abs, uncaring of the mess; he needed to give Steve another kiss, no matter the cost.

Steve shivered at the warm press of lips, his spine feeling like liquid gold as he sunk back into the bedding. He was warm, incredibly so and loose nearly everywhere. He didn’t remember ever feeling so good before. He guessed that was because his pleasure had never been in the hands of Bucky before now.

“ _Christ,_ Bucky I-I feel so good,” He breathed, more a sigh really, voice shaky and body lax.

Bucky hummed and Steve’s smile morphed into something pleased and sated and Bucky shook his head, smiling so damn fondly down at the man in his arms. “I’m glad you feel good, baby,” He sighed, gently brushing his nose against Steve’s, watching as the man’s lashes fluttered in response.

“You think you can take one more finger for me? I wanna’ get you good and stretched, _need ta’,_ ” He confessed and Steve moaned outright at the confession, already nodding and nearly bumping heads with Bucky.

Bucky smiled, gaze so soft and adoring as he pulled back. “Yeah? You gonna’ let me put it in ya’?” His voice was lilting, bordering on teasing and Steve _groaned_ , lashes fluttering to reveal those gorgeously blue eyes, dark and blown with arousal.

“ _Yes_ , Bucky- _fuck-_ “ He gasped, hips shifting and pressing down on three of Bucky’s fingers now, taking them inside of his tight channel and making Bucky moan at the hot clutch of him.

He couldn’t wait to press inside, feel that intense heat, the slick slide clutching at him, making a space, a _home_ for his cock inside his lovers willing body. Bucky moaned softly and pressed a heated kiss to Stevie’s lips, unable to resist biting down on that plush bottom lip at the way he arched up so wanton beneath him; pressing as many parts of him against Bucky’s as he could, just to feel him _there._

There was barely any strain showing in Steve’s face, no pain, just blissed out as Bucky worked the three fingers inside of him with slow and purposeful movements, careful not to pay attention to his prostate for now. Bucky knew that with the serum, Steve could go more than a few rounds before he tired himself out, seeing it was better than _his_ serum and he-well, he’d been feeling a bit better as of late and had taken to testing out a few theories.

Bucky simply couldn’t wait to test out more _with_ Steve and sooner rather than later at that.

“You ready, honey? I think you’re nearly there, doll, you’re so loose, I could just slide right in,” He murmured the last bit almost absently, even knowing just how tight he was going to be despite his words.

He pulled back, resting on his heels as he let himself look at where Steve’s rim was stretched wide around his fingers, prompting a whimper from Steve. He clenched down on those fingers and Bucky grunted, the feeling of that tightness around him doubling and making his cock throb in sympathy.

“M’ ready, Bucky. I’m _so_ _ready_. W-want to feel you in me, s’-s’ where you-“ He cut off with a desperate whine when Bucky unceremoniously-but not carelessly-pulled his fingers free of the heat of him and searched blindly for the bottle of lube at his side.

“S’ where I _belong_ ,” Bucky breathed, bellying it to be true right down into his very _bones._

Steve’s eyes snapped down to him, nodding his head vigorously as he whimpered, watching Bucky slick himself up with the lube, his cock gorgeously thick and perhaps a little shorter than Steve's but- _oh God_ -that was going to feel so good inside him.

They didn’t speak as Bucky shifted up, bullying his way between Steve’s legs, pushing his gorgeously thick thighs open wider and making a space for himself. Steve let him, thrilled by the fact that Bucky _could_ manhandle him to his hearts content. He dropped down onto his elbows as Steve’s hands flew up to clutch weakly at his chest, fingertips digging little furrows into the flushed skin of Bucky’s pecs.

Steve hitched his hips up, offering himself up to Bucky as he slipped his flesh and blood hand down between them to guide himself closer to where they _both_ so desperately wanted him to be. Steve’s brows were creased, lips parting in a soft _o_ of surprise as he felt the head of Bucky’s cock-nearly purple in his need to come, _again_ -press against his fluttering hole and then firmer still.

There was resistance, of course there was, Bucky was by no means a small man, but Steve’s body gave so _easily_ to Bucky as he shifted his hips forward with the relentless need to be sheathed within his lovers body to make them both whole in a way that they had dreamed of nearly all their damned lives.

They both gasped as the head of Bucky’s cock forced its way inside and Steve could feel the stretch of it, the impossible girth of it. He tipped his head back against the pillows on a choked breath and Bucky watched in wonder as Steve’s body just…gave in to him.

The slide was near effortless as he released in Bucky’s arms, the warmth of Steve’s body a fire Bucky was all too happy to burn up in. Steve was moaning as Bucky slid home and Bucky was pretty sure he’d stopped breathing entirely as he felt the clutch of Steve’s channel fluttering around him. He never wanted to leave this spot, wanted to remain buried in this man for the rest of his days because Steve was his _home._

Always had been, always would be.

Bucky buried his face in the crook of Steve’s neck and he shuddered when he felt Steve’s knees press against his sides, drawing him in impossibly deeper. He couldn’t help grinding his cock in just that bit more, making them both hitch in a desperate breath as Steve’s hands found Bucky’s hair. The strands were wet and silky soft and he wasted no time in burying his lovely artists fingers in them and dragging Bucky up for a needy kiss.

Bucky gave it to him, would _always_ give it to him.

He drew his hips back in the next moment, cock sliding agonizingly slowly through his slick heat and now propped up with barely a scant inch between them by his metal arm. His flesh and blood hand latched firmly onto Steve’s hip, keeping him right where he wanted him, because he knew he could give Steve everything he wanted to and more.

“My _baby_ ,” Bucky moaned, nipping at Steve’s bottom lip, sucking on his tongue and fucking his tongue past his lips all at once. “You’re perfect, sweetheart. So goddamn perfect.”

Steve whimpered, nails biting into Bucky’s chest and he hissed when Steve bit down on his bottom lip for only a moment before he buried his face in Bucky’s throat, nipping and sucking at the flushed skin there, the straining tendon. “ _Bucky-_ “ He whined and Bucky grunted, thrusting his hips and driving his cock near effortlessly deep and Steve _howled_.

Bucky felt like an animal, barely clinging to his sanity with the way Steve’s body was clutching at him so damn tightly. It just felt so damn _good_. He could feel the hard, hot line of his cock pressed between them, twitching and drooling and making a right mess of their stomachs and it was better than he could have ever imagined. Being with Steve like this had seemed so impossible once upon a time and now that he was experiencing it? He wasn’t entirely sure he wasn’t dreaming or dead and he’d somehow made it into Heaven.

Working up a rhythm between them was effortless, it was as if they’d always been meant to fit together this way. Steve held tight to him, never wanting to let him go it seemed, while Bucky cradled him with his heart and soul and everything in between.

For each thrust Bucky gave, Steve rose up to meet him and it was so good, so perfect. The heat built and built between them, their panting breaths and harsh gasps the melody of their lovemaking. Steve’s head was thrown back, face the perfect picture of ecstasy while Bucky drove into him slow and deep, eyes somehow managing to stay open, just the barest amount to be able to see the ecstasy reflected in Bucky’s flushed cheeks, his glistening mouth, the sweat on his skin.

“I love you,” Steve managed to breathe, the words tripping off his tongue on a harsh exhalation and Bucky let himself fall, let himself fall just that bit more in love with this man; as if that were even humanly possible.

He kissed the words from Steve’s lips swallowing them up and holding them in his chest before he breathed the very same back against those kiss-swollen lips, over and over and over again, revelling in the body beneath his clinging to him so tightly, trembling and arching, _gasping_ his name like a prayer. He fumbled his flesh hand between their bodies, sweating and shaking himself as he wrapped his fingers around Steve’s length.

He couldn’t take it any longer, the need to come clouding nearly all else, but he needed Steve to come first, needed to feel him clench and moan and gasp and sigh as he fell apart at Bucky’s hands. It wouldn't take long, he knew. He’d been snapping his hips a little faster, a little harder, driving his cock in deep at times and just _grinding_ into that molten heat to feel Steve shudder and shake in his grasp. The moment he’d wrapped his hand around his cock, like molten steel encased in velvet, Steve had cried out in near blissful agony as Bucky stroked him, fist tight and perfect and everything Steve had ever wanted.

He came between them, gasping and shaking so hard that he would have uprooted anyone else, but Bucky held tight, drove into him again and again and felt the walls of Steve’s channel clench and release, milking him to his own completion. He fell over that ledge and he felt as if he’d been forcibly _shoved_ over that edge and it nearly _pained_ him as he pulsed within his lovers body as wave after wave of his orgasm-his pleasure-consumed him.

Time slowed down, nothing much mattered except for the sound of the others beating heart, their laboured breaths, their trembling limbs. Their lips met, clumsy. Their hands grasping at one another wherever they may, shaking as they came down together. Always together.

There was the sound of distant thunder, rolling across the lake with heavy clouds and rain following in its wake. There were flickers of lightning, but they’d become few and far between during their lovemaking. The darkness of the room settled like a warm blanket around them, locking them in their own private space away from prying eyes. Their breaths had slowed, the sweat on their bodies had begun to cool, their hearts beat steady and strong, together.

Bucky raised himself up slowly on the metal hand, he didn’t quite trust his flesh and blood one to support him right now and let himself look down at Steve. Steve…who was soft and pliant, a beautiful sweet smile on his handsome face, his lashes kissing the tops of his cheeks and that warm flush still colouring his skin. Bucky watched in helpless awe as blue eyes opened and fixed on him, their shimmering depths filled with awe and disbelief and so much love that it nearly choked Bucky with an emotion so strong he wasn’t sure he could hold it all back.

Steve’s hand, still trembling in the aftermath, reached up to cup his cheek and Bucky watched as a tear fell from one blue eye and then the other. Steve shook his head and Bucky felt his own lower lip wobble as a thumb swept gently along the apple of his cheek, spreading the tears he hadn’t realized he’d been shedding against his heated skin.

“I love you, Stevie, so damn much. I’m so, _so sorry_ I left you, I’ll never leave your side again, I swear it, baby, I swear it-“

The soft wounded sound that escaped Steve’s lips as he raised up to a seat, both hands cradling Bucky’s face carefully in his palms as he made Bucky sit back on his heels. His cock slipping from the warmth of Steve’s body had them both gasping brokenly, but then Steve was pushing Bucky, _guiding_ him onto his back, Steve following him down easily. He’d follow Bucky always.

“It’s okay, Bucky,” Steve pressed the words into his lips, trailing his big warm hands over his cheeks and down his neck, over Bucky’s chest where he splayed his palm wide over the scarring around his shoulder.

Bucky didn’t flinch, but it was a near thing.

“It’s not your fault, Bucky, baby, _sweetheart._ Was never your fault, I-I _missed you_ so, _so_ much,” Steve whimpered, nuzzling his nose against Bucky’s as he laid fierce yet chaste kisses against those swollen lips. “I love you, Bucky, I love you too and I’m here and you’re here and we-we-“

He choked on his next breath, barely managing to stifle a sob and Bucky shook his head, letting out a whimper of his own as he gathered Steve up in his arms and held onto him so, _so tight._ “We’re here, baby,” Bucky breathed, pressing kisses into his hair, his temple, his cheek. “We’re here, Stevie. Never goin’ anywhere without you again, promise. I _promise._ ”

Steve whimpered and nodded, whispering promises of his own as they clung to one another for what felt like hours, perhaps it was.

Eventually Bucky left the safety of their bed to retrieve a damp cloth to clean them both up. The sheets were a bit of a lost cause, but neither really cared as they climbed back under the blankets to lie face to face, hands trailing lightly along one another’s skin as if to reassure one another that they were truly here.

They didn’t speak for the rest of the night, not even when another storm rolled through, the lightning lighting up the night sky outside their window and illuminating everything therein. Every time, Steve found Bucky’s eyes in the flash in the darkness and Bucky’s found his.

Eventually sleep did claim them, with their arms wrapped tight around each other, their breaths quiet, bodies soft, hearts beating a steady rhythm between them. There would be a chance to talk soon, but for now they slept, safe in one another’s arms. They would help each other through their losses, their grief, their sadness, together. No longer lost or alone in the darkness. No longer dreaming of the people they lost in a time so far removed from the present.

End

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Tell me what you thought? <3
> 
> Come chat with me on Discord! starbucksjunkie#9171
> 
> Don't have Discord? Come talk to me on Tumblr! [ko-fiandfanfiction](www.tumblr.com/blog/layora88)

**Author's Note:**

> Come chat with me on Discord! starbucksjunkie#9171
> 
> Don't have Discord? Come talk to me on Tumblr! [ko-fiandfanfiction](www.tumblr.com/blog/layora88)


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